"The purpose of human life, no matter who
is living it is to love whoever is around to be loved." -Kurt Vonnegut
B and I didn't have a perfect relationship, no one does. We even broke up for a month four months before he died. Dating a recovering addict is hard. The first year all I could see was the addiction, I couldn't see him clearly all the time. I was a mess. I tore through his things, scoured his phone, monitored our bank account, interrogated him, caught him over and over again. I cried constantly. I never slept. Anxiety took over.
If you're going to dig through someone's things, they might as well be doing what you suspect them of. You won't find any relief. Even if you find nothing you just think they're hiding it better. If you're looking, you've already made the assumption about them. You already have the answer. Either stop digging, or walk. The anxiety is the worst part.
By some great fortune all of everything I'd learned so far directed me to letting love take over in the last three months we were together.
I would say each morning "I can't control the future, but at least I have Brian today."
I'd have to repeat that to myself over and over, and consciously step away from the fear. Sure he died from what I was most afraid of, but I can honestly say I don't regret anything. I don't look back over our interactions and wish I had told him I loved him one last time or anything like that. I made the choice to love him always, and his last words to me (his last words ever, actually) were love. My last words to him were love.
If you love who you're with, let me tell you something that has saved my life, and makes his death easier on me.
The only thing missing from any situation is love.
Anger is sadness further down the road.
The cure for sadness is love. The solution to everything is love. More love always. More love always.
If there's a relationship in your life right now that is strained because of a lack of love, now is your opportunity to fix it. What would love do? If you weren't acting out of anger a.k.a sadness or the need to be right what would you do? What would you say?
I want you to concentrate your mind into a loving mindset and reach out to to that person or those people and tell them that you love them. You'll never regret it, your ego just makes you think you will.
Saying goodbye is hard, but having to say hello to regret in the same breath is harder. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the last three months with him, and I wouldn't have had them
Let love lead. Where would love have you go? What would love have you do? What would love have you say? And to whom?
Be excellent to each other.
Thank me later.
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