Addiction is a deeply personal topic for me, I've lost loves and I am a very unique recovery specialist. Don't get me wrong. I learned a lot in AA- it works for many - but it also doesn't work for many others. I have also had to un-learn a lot of what I picked up sitting on those folding chairs. Specifically in the realm of guilt. I believe that you are what you say you are. My practice of loving myself unconditionally, daily is diametrically opposed to saying "I'm an addict." daily, for the rest of my life.
Fine, AA. I'll accept that I'm not "sober". I'll ignore the progress I've made in my own sobriety as not being "real" because "technically" I'm not sober. I'll accept the fact that prescription pills like Adderall are allowed, under the influence of which -summarizing the daily regrets into just two short minutes is difficult. That's their medicine, after all.
Weed is, after all, totally natural. It hasn't been tested on rats or traumatized children, cut up in a lab, given a deeply psychological Latin-root name, pressed on my local psychologist who can then tell me that I won't cure my "chemical imbalance in the brain" without it. If it grows wild and naturally soothes specific receptors in my brain that rattle from a lifetime of trauma, while sparking deep creativity, a sense of calm and needing no-thing - but it's been labeled a drug, it must be bad.
After Brian died I didn't eat for days. Nearly fourteen to be exact. I miscarried. After the first week people started to become concerned. What most were recommending was enough therapy to get me "back on my feet" with the aid of Valium, Klonopin, Ambien, Seraquil, Concerta, and maybe a "small dose" of Adderall. Quite a lot of recommendations for my "depression" (of course I'm depressed), "anxiety" (you ever done CPR on your boyfriend before?) and my "lack of focus" (try lack of interest). I was about ready to accept.
A dear friend in Toronto who let me cry in her shower for 10 days straight said "why don't you smoke some weed?" . I said "I can't I'm sober, it'll be a relapse." . She said "honey, smoke some weed.". In AA she would be called an enabler, but I call her a friend.
I don't get high to escape. I'm present in my life. I deal with crazy shit when I smoke weed, and crazy shit when I don't. I give myself the hardest time about it and the Universe is compelled to reflect that to me. All I know is that when I don't have weed, I need more. God is love, and love is freedom. I don't feel like god loves me when I have to say "no" to something I love all the time. We have a serious crisis going on right now. Deeply traumatized and subsequently deeply creative minds have found, at the time that they needed it most, the natural medical assistance that will help them to handle the enormous strains that come from being a free thinker in a painful and suppressive world - yet they cannot fully experience the blessing of it because society has shamed us into thinking that our medicine creates an aspect of us that is lazy, negligent, over indulgent, a bad artist/parent/employee. As a result this resisted guilt persists. We experience bouts of freedom but when life becomes tedious (as it will), we feel as if we are being punished for our "drug use". Most of us don't touch alcohol, eat conscious, plant-based diets, meditate, moisturize, and work out. Sensuality is important to us, we touch, we taste, we feel everything. We are peaceful and contemplative. Most of us assumed a lot of responsibility early on in life, and struggled. We are creative, rare mediums - we can see multiple creative solutions to any problem. No bedsores, yellow microwaves, or XBOX here. Most of all, we enjoy ourselves. We smell flowers, without picking them. 🌴
Weed guilt is a real thing that I struggle with that has prevented me from feeling freedom in my life. I see so many people struggling with this because social conditioning calls it "your medicine" with a nudge and a wink. 🌴
We are in a completely different age than ever before. There is no rule book, we ARE the rule book. This is not "The Unquiet Mind". Your role models may be a little harder to find, like Joe Rogan, Willie Nelson, or Danielle LaPorte - but we out here, living. ✨
Ask yourself: who would I be without the guilt?