Rainer is teething right now which means: the feeling of your wisdom teeth x30. His gums are inflamed and he’s crabby and uncomfortable, which I get. You can’t get away from pain in your face. Even though he’s only slept through the night once since he was born, he’s having a hard time sleeping now which means I’m not at all. Pre-teething I could give him the booba for anything, but now that sucking is uncomfortable for him - he’ll thrash and scream straight through his usual nap time. If I lose my patience it’ll be the first time I’ve lost my patience with him. For the first time he’ll see that the gigantic humans he completely relies on (and he’s an independent kid, so he doesn’t love being reliant) have bad sides, can get mean, are mad at him. It’s hard to keep your patience on day 120 of the no sleep kriya, with greaseball hair and your uneaten breakfast still on the table well past lunch, but what’s the other option? Making my kid scared of a side of me? Or feeling bad for needing me?
Something I think is really cool about being a mom, albeit tough is: there’s no giving up. There’s no being over it. There’s no “fuck this I’m going to bed for the rest of the day.”. You HAVE to keep going, you HAVE to get your shit together. You HAVE to decide if losing your temper for the first time is worth fucking up your track record.
I learn more about acceptance every day, and how acceptance is signing for the terms of your life with gratitude, not “well fuck it, I guess this is it.” . I thought I had accepted that I probably wouldn’t sleep horizontally again, have both legs shaved at a time, or eat hot food again. I thought I had accepted that it wasn’t about me anymore, but I hadn’t. I was resisting it, and so it persists. When teething causes Rainer to scream bloody murder, and I’m wondering if I should teach him not to scream so he’s not the screaming kid in the supermarket; am I doing this because of what I think people will think of him as a kid, or me as a parent? Is it about me? When I’m trying to get him to get on the booba, is it because I think he needs a second to chill out, or I do? What’s my intention, and have I accepted that it’s not. about. me?
Being a mom oddly makes me feel more than ever that I need a mom. I want sympathy when I haven’t slept, I’m hungry, or my shoulders are tight, but my mom went through this with me, and every mom has at some level done this with their kids. You can get a lot of empathy and a LOT of advice because all moms have been here, but as far someone sympathetically patting you to sleep or feeling bad for you, those days are done. It’s not.about.you. Hard to accept if the last 2 years of your life has been devoted to unconditional self care.
And it’s hard, because you feel so guilty that you’re frustrated, or even pissed. You knew what you were getting into, nothings “broken” , it just sucks sometimes and you don’t want any more advice. You just want to throw a fit too and have someone soothe you!
But this is the medicine. Because you’re here to learn you won’t manifest a good nights sleep no matter how hard you pray (believe me, I’ve tried), this is just what being a mom is. It’s the medicine for this journey. You learn things from not losing your shit, even if you feel like you’re spontaneously combusting.
If I’m not taking care of me, who will? Who will rub my back? Who will comfort me when I’m cranky? Who will make sure that I’m okay?
It’s fears like these that keep me from letting go and letting my Divine Mother catch me. Last night I agreed to let go, to truly accept it’s not about me. I vented to Patrick and asked him to please not try to “fix” it. I prayed to Divine Feminine and I honored all my pissed off, pent up, frustrated feelings - and I felt lighter. As I went to sleep in a way guaranteed to make my one hand fall asleep and my neck wake up stiff, I imagined myself like I usually do, being held by Yemaya. Only this time I surrendered. I let myself fall. I agreed to focus 110% on my baby and trust that Divine Feminine would feed me, rest me, and give me patience.
I’m not sure if anything’s changed, Rainer’s still teething, I’m still tired, and the dishes are still in the sink - but I ate breakfast hot today, and it was magnificent. Somehow everywhere I was feeling frustration, I now feel more love, more empathy. It extends past me and my little life, all moms, all kids - the Universal self. I thought I was loving my max but now there’s so many more pockets to fill, and I have plenty more where that came from.
On the other side of your limit is more love. If you feel like you’re being stretched beyond your limits, let it break you. Give up. Let go. Get honest. You’re infinitely held, but you’ll only know so if you let go of your need to change it.