watch the video here
In the first months after Brian died (it's been 6 months and 17 days today), I did a lot of letting go.
Things needed to be discarded, flights and bank accounts cancelled, jobs needed to be notified, the new apartment we had only lived in for 29 days needed to be broken down and abandoned. I threw away everything that didn't fit into a backpack. On a superficial level, I thought I had really nailed the letting go bit. As the days keep adding up, you realize that there's not many pictures you haven't seen left to "discover", that the text history will eventually be deleted, that Facebook isn't prioritizing your loved one anymore, that wearing their clothes is going to have to end, and that their garbage, even though it was theirs at one point, is ultimately garbage. That's still letting go, level one.
As I move through my life one day at a time without my best friend and lover of eight years, "let go" has become my mantra. I ignored it for a long time because I thought it was cliche, but every time I find myself in a situation where things don't seem to be flowing how I would like it to, it's usually because I'm doing a great deal of hanging on, even gripping sometimes. It means that I have decided to compete with Universal alignment and that I have put my controlling hands on situations that I don't need to struggle with, and am dealing with the agonies of relying on my own strength.
Sure, it feels good sometimes. "Look at how much I'm doing! I'm FINE!" , I'm high on my own supply, but it's painful, and it's not sustainable. What will bring you the most joy long-term, and what the Universe wants for you are not two isolated concepts. They are the same. What are you holding onto, and why do you think you are refusing to release it? The freedom is in the letting go. You don't know the outcome, but if you let go you can trust that the Universe is brining your desires to you. If you hold on, you will be stuck doing all the actions you think you "should" do to make something happen and you'll be overworked and stressed, maybe even profoundly sad and it is simply not necessary.
I didn't have many pictures up of B and I on my instagram, and I was scouring through one day in Asia, feeling pretty heavy. I had gone through all my photos looking for him before. I didn't have any voicemails, I was dying to hear his voice but I had given up completely. I came across a video of me rope swinging into a lake, I was new to sobriety, maybe 2 weeks into my first bout of 90 days. I had scrolled by it many times because I knew B had taken the video and he wouldn't be in it. I chose to look again and I realized I had forgotten something.
In the video, he speaks! I didn't know! He was instructing me when to release the rope I'm swinging on. I was gobsmacked. It seems my last message from my favorite human (and now spirit), the only audio I have of my Bee is looping on the video over and over. His last message to me. "Let go!"
So I practice letting go again today and every day, one day at a time, allowing the Universe to catch me by allowing myself to fall. Letting go in my business, my relationships, my meditation, and even my wardrobe ;) .
With all my love!