Funny how I could write a whole post about letting go and be like "p.s. I'm letting go of everything but I'm taking my dead boyfriend's last name."
I realized this and I actually LOLed. Talk about holding on!
When it gets down to brass tacks, what energy is motivating your decisions? Is it a holding on energy, or is it an energy of letting go?
Changing my name won't bring Brian back. It won't make us married or undo the past. Neither will a tattoo, or flooding my social media or newsletters with photos and memories. An ayuhuasca ceremony on a blood moon may answer a question or two deep but it won't change the facts.
I can choose to be upset about the facts never changing, and hold on to the memories and dig and dig and dig asking new questions when the response stays the same, or I can accept (truly accept, not just take it because I have to) that these things happen, and let my attachment to it go.
I'm never going to know why it happened. Just like no one else will know exactly why someone they loved and lost (not even talking about death here, a breakup is the same) had to leave them.
I choose today to let go. Today when I meditate I inhale "let", exhale "go".
I release my need to know what happened. I release the fear that people won't know how much he meant to me unless I prove it and prove it with every breatH. I release my need to show everyone I know (including his ex wife) that I was the Real Motherfucking Deal by changing my name (wish I could say that wasn't part of it, but it was). I release my need to feel him around me all the time. Along with this I release my resentment at those dreams not coming true. I release my need to be someone else's. I release him from all the promises he made and didn't have a chance to keep. I release myself from the coulda-woulda-shouldas, whys, and if only's. I sever all ties from a place of love and I let it all go. I choose to accept.
He's still going to be with me, always. I still have the contact, but I release the grip.
If you scratched the surface of letting go yesterday, I invite you to go one layer deeper with me today.
I will also assure you that letting go = relief. It's not easy but you won't regret it.
Thank you for being a part of this community.
I love you.